Ben, thanks for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and share you story of grief. You're not only mourning the loss of your mother, but also all of the other sacrifices you've made along the way. It's difficult and as they say not a linear process.

I found this article covers a lot of what I'd say about the journey and perspective.

https://www.katherineschafler.com/blog/the-one-thing-no-one-ever-says-about-grieving

Be well.